the human condition

I wrote a collection of essays that, at its core, was primarily about acceptance. I spent most of my life hating myself. Hate is a strong word but I can’t think of another that fits better. I was never enough. I could never do anything to make myself actually like myself. This habitual train of thought was perpetuated in nearly every waking hour. I was attached to my own neuroses. There was comfort in the familiarity even though I wanted out of it. How could I learn to love who I actually am? Blurgh.

It was the ME/CFS that brought me to my knees. Quite literally. You know the trope: on your knees in the middle of the night, exhausted, depleted from the struggle (that you are actually sustaining [more on this another time]), questioning, bargaining, pleading, apologizing (for what?). Crying, of course. But I wasn't on my knees for long, not because of any immediate epiphanies, but because I can't really kneel anymore. Squatting and kneeling are energy suckers. I wobble. I weeble. And I do fall down. Anyhow, it’s the suffering that wakes us up isn’t it? When things are fine, we seek nothing. When we fall apart, we seek everything.

A brief moment of Why Me? visited but exited rather quickly because, really, why NOT me? Who the hell knows why one thing happens to someone and not another. The fact remains that I have a chronic condition and while there are things I can do about it, the essential fact remains that it will remain. There's no refund on this inadvertent purchase.

The clinic that has supported me suggests that clients don’t say “I have a condition,” but instead say “I’m on a healing journey.” Eye roll emoji. I DO have a fucking condition because sometimes I have to pause three times on my way up the stairs. It should be referred to as a chronic condition because that is what it is. According to the CDC ‘Chronic diseases are defined broadly as conditions that last one year or more and require ongoing medical attention or limit activities of daily living or both.’ These conditions also persist over time. This has been going on for more than three years, though I don’t require official medical attention because most doctors have no idea what to do with ME/CFS, but it clearly limits activities of daily living. It can be controlled but not cured.

Which, come to think of it, is exactly like the human condition. The human condition is also a chronic condition! It is a condition that persists over time and can limit activities of daily living. We cannot cure ourselves of death or of the reality of impermanence but perhaps there is a modicum of control over how we deal with this truth. Also, in life, there is pain and suffering but it comes and goes, like with ME/CFS. Though perhaps with having a chronic condition, the suffering is a little more dense and concentrated, all vacuum packed for extra intense and flavourful life lessons.

With our human condition - even with a healthy body and mind - we suffer by virtue of the fact that we are human. This is the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, by the way. Life is suffering. We suffer for many reasons but the primary one is because all is impermanent, and we cannot seem to accept this very easily. Spoiler alert: We die! We also cause a lot of our own suffering because of clinging to things – which are impermanent! – or avoiding things – we resist reality!

So, ME/CFS is a condition – an amped-up version of the human condition. The Advanced Class. (I was always a high achiever.) So, the same rules must apply for dealing with my chronic condition as the ones used for dealing with the human condition – learn how to see reality for what it actually is, not what you insist that it be.